A MOMENT IN TIME

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“It’s the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen.”
John Wooden

 

Yesterday, during my piano practice, I heard a noise and stepped out of the cubicle to see what was going on. The day was fading away and it was already dark inside. I walked towards the door, my mind lost in thoughts and my eyes fixed on the keys hanging on the door. I was about to turn the key in the lock when something made me look up! I stood in awe, completely taken by the scene in front of me.

The walls and door in the small entrance hall of the music school are made of glass. Through them, dark pinks, oranges and purples were contained and framed as one of those glorious watercolor sunsets painted by Turner. This time though, the painter was Nature; the vibrancy of composition arrested my soul and the ephemeral of the moment made me realize how much I forget to notice…

I seem to be living a turning point in life that is not yet clear about where is that it is turning to. It moves restlessly and slowly testing my endurance and faith. I feel like a ball tossed in a box, randomly rolling inside while my invisible carrier firmly walks a destination unknown to me.

I tell myself that I need to focus, to get deliberated and stop the madness, the problem is that I am already focused and have been for so long that has become a habit.

It is not the first time I have noticed, that I have not been noticing but those pieces in my life regarding what needs to be fixed about myself or my reality. Completely absorbed in the many things I have to work out and the how, I have overlooked what is precious, what is worthy of stopping and be grateful for; I have run over the person I already am…

I stand for all that is noble and beautiful, for the greatness in us and the other, for the magic of nature and the mysteries of life and the Universe; and still I have been a bully. I have bullied myself, shaming my weaknesses and lack of results and diminishing the courageous achievements of a little inner girl who has done everything in her power to keep her truth alive.

As many, I am surrounded by “facts and reasons” and navigating the overwhelming waters of comparison pointing its finger towards my enlarged failures while my accomplishments get dwarfed and vanish in the realm of “not important”.

Not anymore! I have decided to lean in on faith and live the chaos and lack of answers as an adventure. I am terrified and move up and down the line of “what-the-heck-do-it-any-way” and “what the-hell-are-you-doing” uncountable times during a day.

Nevertheless, I have experience tiny moments of pure joy, a serene tenderness and confidence, and bit by bit I conquer fear and small successes come across. Yes, I am calling them for what they are; the result of talent, courage, effort and the surrendering to something which I am acknowledging as bigger than me and allowing it to do as it pleases.

I am willing to trust that there will be a time and space when things shall come together and I would see the path ahead. For now I just see myself as a beginner staying with “what is” the best I can, practicing loving and accepting myself no matter what, and focusing on noticing small things. Miracles shall happen!

Refresh!

Be aware,
They are already happening…

 

 

Image Credit: The scarlet sunset, (1833) | Painting | Watercolor and Gouache

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An Ordinary Day Story

“She held herself until the sobs of the child inside subsided entirely. I love you, she told herself. It will all be okay.”
― H. Raven Rose, Shadow Selves

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You are peacefully reading, minding your own business or just waking up a Sunday morning slow and gently. Actively engaged in your “gratitude and appreciation” ongoing process, you do your best to focus on those “grown-up” intentions and changes you have put so much effort into and then, life happens…

Somehow you find yourself in the middle of a freaking out drama that you even did not know was going on and part of your family is there at your room’s door. The happy greeting and surprise turns into the inevitable  face’ expression before dreadful questions as…

What is going on? What is that you have done this time?-

After the shock, it is time for the slow-motion-movie to begin… You see yourself, frame by frame- lost, explaining, justifying, describing what you think the situation might be, confronting versions and trying to remember if there is any proof or alibi of your whereabouts the time in question!

I am sure you know what a terrible place to be this is for all – the accused and those granted as “executors of the will” and judges…

In milliseconds, the pain and anger start building up and you can only hear those dangerous words triggering a long story of powerlessness and loneliness. You are being dragged into that deep black hole of inadequacy and rejection, your eyes fixed in those real and imaginary heads moving one side to another in disapproval.

You want so badly to be the good and assertive person you know you can be, but an impenetrable wall rules against hope and trust, and tears replace the loud and messy allegations for fairness. Giving up seems the only way out…

The clocks moves and it dawns on you…

I inadvertently keep role-playing the little kid who wants to be done with unfairness;  the little kid who wants to be loved and chosen as part of the clan. It is incredible the strength this small thing can cast and how she is able to overrule the intelligent and supposedly mature grown-up I like to think I am.

It is hard to be “mindful and enlighten” when deep feelings of unworthiness kick in and the Orphan archetype shows up in all its overwhelming shadow and aided by the irrepressible verbosity of complaints and grievances of the Victim’ one!

I become so small… submerged in this world of fear and despair, where I am torn apart between fighting the monsters of resentment and victimization and trying to pull up my “boundaries setting tools;” with as much success as the one in the hands of my inner lawyer trying to build the case of self-love, self-compassion and mindfulness.

It all goes south, when the tiny girl in me, makes herself present and snaps. Yes, all becomes a painful and quick death…

At the precise moment when I am able to detach myself and play the scene back; self-loathing and shame get up mocking the entire “self-improvement” program I have voluntarily submitted to for many years.

The search to understand what the heck is going on, has many underlying currents messing around and silently eroding my attempts for better responses to this kind of situations.

In my case, asking others to put themselves in my shoes, becomes a sharp reminder of my failures and current circumstances, which not only does not allow many exits, but thwarts my feeble “self-loving” efforts.

The truth is that nothing someone can say compares to what I can say to myself, and how terrible I feel for not being the person I think I should be – or worse – the person I know I am and have not been able to put in charge of my life.

How much time of my life I have been wasting in this horror play?

How much time spent either depressed or overwhelmed by the circumstances and my poor “actions” or lack of them?

This can continue endlessly, and it will, if I do not assume who I am once and for all; because there are plenty of things in my “nowadays” life, I have no control over.

What then?

I went back to the wise words of the finest people* I have the gift share this time and space:

What is working, what do you have power over?

I have control over my choices.

Only for today, I chose to be compassionate about my lack of saintly-martyr qualifications and past failures. Just for today, I going to acknowledge that I did the best I could, and even if this is so tiny that get lost in the ocean of drama, and madness I find myself in… I am doing the best I can.

Thus, I am going to take thing less seriously. I cannot undo the feelings, thoughts or awful decisions spoken in a moment of pain, I can see them for what they are; a cry to be loved, accepted and feel safe.

I can focus on the kind words spoken, common experiences shared and things I do in my little “cave” upstairs that bring me solace and hope; and use all the energy I can summon to break the chain and build the life I deserve.

I can appreciate the effort and care of well-intentioned kinfolk and huge my little child. I can keep traveling the road of faith and trust in and tell her that I love her and everything is going to be well. We are being taken care of in a way that we might not understand, but surely much better than those we could ever plan.

Thus, I sit here and write and silently connect with all those who wrestle with self-love, unconditional acceptance and faith.

I am looking at the sky with joyful eyes and a trusting heart…
Grateful for this milestone in my journey toward who I am…

 

A Note of Gratitude to Ali Rodriguez, Betty Rae and Joseph Crane…

And to my brother for hugging me back…

 

Goodby Soul

“A rebirth out of spiritual adversity causes us to become new creatures”.
James E. Faust

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It has been quite some time since I last visited this page. My life’s journey has thrown me into a spiral of emotions and events that require reflection, experience and change. I am not done yet… I have not even gotten near to an understanding of its impact and the turning point I feel is haunting me.

The only thing certain today is that I need to take one step at the time.

There have been many hardships and doubts in my life; yet I never, not for once; doubted my soul’s guidance before. I had lived with a sense of “Something Bigger” being in charge of the “madness” and the belief in an invisible Force in me worthy of a Sci-fi Trilogy.

I was used to “Dark Nights of the Soul” and to feel mine squirming and jumping as a dog before lying asleep. It could also surprise me with awkward and nonsensical ideas too.  Still,  I trusted fiercely that it would lead me into the light and I would be a better human being afterwards.

Not this time.

This time I felt betrayed and laughed at. I was angry and I have had enough of following blindly a quirky invisible thing that after all this time together, had had the nerve of leaving me hanging in the abyss and in so much pain.

Act One. The Unimaginable

If you are like me, a master in looking for any justifications to explain what is inexplicable or just plain awful, or so caught in your story of unworthiness that you are afraid to say enough is enough;  then you can understand what a huge deal was for me to feel such anger and sack my soul.

Oh, yes, I did, and I am not sure I have rehire it either. This time I am up for a better deal. If I am going to keep being the Ginned Pig, I want sound presence and loud answers.

For once in my life I stopped looking up, or within, with my head down and a begging whisper. I face it straight ahead with everything organic or not shaking and shouted – I am done. Whatever contract I have with you, consider it broken. I quit.

Silence…

Act Two

… A weird standing-in-the-void-kind-of-mourning-experience where I have no idea what to do with myself.

I had not realized that when you fired your soul, you run out of solid excuses for avoiding and resisting the earthy demands that fall into another bag of excuses labelled-“answering to my Grail Quest.”

Perhaps I am, and the darn thing not only hides, but jingles behind me to see how alert I remain.
(It does not feel as cruel as before; nevertheless, I am still angry).

Act Three. Spiritual awakening or breakdown?

No idea. I decided that I would paint butterflies and make origami animals, watch TV series and see if the character’s monsters under the bed are really scary shadows or, we have a comedian-soul-epidemic.

The worst part is that although I fired it, (and I am mad and…) I am speaking about it and even doing things regarding that old saying of mine -“follow your soul” (imagine a deep voice).

What if it does not know what is that is doing? Or if it is has become so “human” that ends like me, going from one “place” to another?

Can a soul lose it’s compass? A soul, you know? Light, divine spark… I am not talking about us, the mortal ones.

I always believed that the soul was in speed dial with the Higher Source. I might not be able to sneak in the conversations or watch through the keyhole or understand what surely  would be communication in code! But again, I trusted…

How could I be so lost and in so much pain? How could I have so uproariously failed following its lead?

Act Four. In the “Realm of Mysteries”!

I pride myself on being good at designing creative and deep learning experiences for my students, to go beyond paradigms into the vast Universal imagination to connect dots, lines, shapes and whatever, to depict the path of “knowledge.” This is ludicrous compared to what the Soul can come up with to bring you a well-designed-tailored-learning-experience!

Yes, I have come to think that this might have underlying currents too deep to be able to follow. In the meanwhile, I dance in the edge between the “old and new” Me. I cannot see before, past, up or down; I can only be here and answer to the impulse to write.

Could this be the lesson? I wonder…

I have no idea how many acts are there in this play; nevertheless, I am determined that the final act will be written  four hands!

Hush…
I have to leave,  I can hear my soul jingling!

 

Image Credit:
http://naomuack.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html